Chapter Two: The perfect suicide note

Whether you're two hours into the decision,or two years into it;always draft the suicide note ahead of time!You will need time to proofread,and you cannot afford to miss anything.It's like the SOP for a graduate school application,if you catch my drift.It can be tricky,and you want to get it out of the way as early as possible.However,do not underestimate its importance.

The perfect suicide note is one that is laid down with tactical acumen.Never be succinct about it.Draft it in such extreme ambiguity,that everyone around you can relate to and stay affected by your death.Here are a few pointers that should help you carve out a remarkable specimen.

Before you start with the note,get yourself motivated. Remember, "Nobody is a failure.Even those who fail at absolutely everything in life,still succeed in ending their lives."

1.Always blame someone.If possible,blame many.

2.Always mention a will.Whether you've left one or not is immaterial.

3.Call for an after-death party.You don't have to pay.

4.Confess your love.Mention all emotional moments.

5.Crack a joke.Die a hero!

6.If you are dying a virgin,don't bring it up.

7.And lastly.Never reveal your identity if you are BATMAN.

Make use of these and your suicide note will be legendary.All the best.

Stay tuned for more!Happy dying! :)

Chapter One: 2Die or not 2Die

Greetings,Suicide enthusiast!

Welcome to this ultimate handbook of suicide for beginners.If you are contemplating suicide,but do not have any successful veterans  to seek advice from,for obvious reasons,you have come to the right place. 

This chapter is all about the confusion and indecision- to die or not to die.Also,it's a pun that reflects upon the indecision to do it today or not today(try a really flamboyant accent).You will get all the guidance for the first timers,plus my personal experience,that is sure to come in handy.These are all hunches and guesses though,but this is the best I could do.

First of all,I'll suggest you not to kill yourself because life is such a beautiful gift....blah blah..... but its your life and you have the right to decide.Alright then,moving on!

Lets safely assume that you are not too sure about this.You have a lot at hand,you're depressed,and you picture killing yourself a lot,every day!Well this means,that you have some reasons to die,but bump into positives every now and then,and stop yourself.Don't worry.We have a perfect solution for  such situations,we have the pussy's approach!

The Pussy's Approach

This methodology is based on the premise of indecision.Because you already have no solid ground to kill yourself,you should bank on your cowardice.Take a blade in your right hand,think hard of all the injustice you've gone through,all the pains you have taken and slit the artery on your left hand.

In all possibilities you'll chicken out because you're scared.But this will give you a first hand experience and you'll acclimate to the suicidal environment.Its a good start if you manage to inflict a little cut and cry yourself to sleep later.

I'm not sure who invented this.For all we know,that wimp is probably still alive.

Stay tuned.Happy dying! :)